Week CLVII (490): Eyes on Reprise


If McDonald's made brassieres, they wouldn't have to change their logo. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

If Anheuser-Busch made Viagra, we'd know wassup.

(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

If ExxonMobil made wine, George Bush would be ready to invade France. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)  

This Week's Contest was inspired by the above excellent entries to a recent contest. They would have been published, except they were discovered too late -- on a couch, under The Czar's dog. This tells us it is time once again for an afterthought contest: You may submit any good entries you might have thought of, for any previous contest, after the deadline passed. Kindly do not re-submit entries. If we thought they sucked the first time, you'll do no better the second. First-prize winner gets a cellophane-wrapped slice of Trent Lott[reg] pure white bread, a very amusing novelty item.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners- up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker.

Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.

U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CLIII (486), in which we asked you to come up with acts, bills, or resolutions to be sponsored by any of the new members of Congress.

Many, many entrants proffered some variant of the "Murphy-Brown-Waite" act promoting the traditional nuclear family.

[diam]Fifth Runner-Up: Bishop-Scott-Cole bill, enumerating the contents of the clergy's stocking-stuffers in 2002. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: Bell-Graham-Alexander Act limiting the ability to reverse the charges on phone calls. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: Miller-Miller-Dole act to provide every hungry person in America with two beers and a pineapple. (Ellen Perlman, Washington)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: Bishop-Rogers-King act to introduce more outre ways to mate in chess. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

[diam]First-Runner-Up: Turner-Ruppersberger-King Act, putting pictures of missing children on fast-food wrappers. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

[diam]And the winner of the "Acquit Bernhard Goetz" T-shirt:

The Cole-Porter-Musgrave-Turner Act awarding Eminem a Medal of Freedom for his contribution to the field of music. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Pryor-Harris-Feeney Act requiring James Traficant to lose the toupee when entering prison. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The Ballance-Gerlach equal opportunity for women act. (Danny Bravman, Potomac)

Van Hollen-Bishop act to promote the purchase of entry-level popemobiles. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Alexander-Grijalva-Bell Act requiring greater clarity in cellular phones.

(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Bell-Pryor-Bishop Act, mandating that clergy wear cat-bells so you can hear them coming.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Feeney-Gerlach-Gingrey-Porter Act providing KFC to the Capitol press gallery. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Cardoza-Bell Act requiring that automakers install an alarm for when the forehead hits the steering wheel.

(Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash; Kala Ladenheim, Washington)

Coleman-Burns-Marshall-Miller-Graham act banning the use of camp stoves to prepare s'mores. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Ruppersberger-Gingrey-Turner Act, requiring refunds for inedible fast foods. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Sununu-Nunes palindrome improvement act. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church; Michael F. Duffy, Washington)

Majette-Burns-Cole Act encouraging the use of alternative aircraft fuel.

(Mike Hammer, Arlington)

The Meek-Gerlach-Cole-Miller-Pryor- Barret Act, to impose civil penalties on brewers if virginity is lost due to lowered inhibitions caused by ingestion of their product.

(Danny Bravman, Potomac)

Cooper-Ruppersberger-King act mandating delivery of fast food to shut-ins. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Bishop-Cornyn-Meek Act denouncing child abuse by priests.

(Ned Bent, Herndon)

Bishop-Murphy Law acknowledging that anything that can go wrong with the Catholic church already has.

(Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Md.)

The King-Chocola resolution in support of the erstwhile count's military coup. (Sarah Elan, Baltimore)

Ryan-King Act: Hakuna matata! Even Tlent Rott wouldn't touch this bill!

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Cole-Coleman-Meek-McCotter-Sununu "No Stutterer Left Behind" bill.

(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)

Cole-Porter "Anything Goes Night and Day" Act to authorize additional dictatorial power to combat terrorism. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

Sununu-Nunu? Act for reducing our national impatience, immediately. (Jeffrey Dvorkin, Chevy Chase)

Bordallo-Gerlach-King-Talent act requiring more skilled prostitutes in brothels. (Mike Duffy, Washington)

Musgrave-Pryor-Nunes act requiring all interments before midday at Arlington National Cemetery.

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Cole-Porter-Scott-Talent bill to waste time by pointing out the bleedingly obvious. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Alexander-Alexander-Bishop-Bishop- Davis-Davis-Miller-Miller bill to research the cause of echoes in the halls of Congress. (Beth Benson, Lanham)

Garrett-Chocola Act to study cereal stranglers. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Cole-Gerlach-Coleman act to promote Alaskan marriages. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Gingrey-Rogers act to prohibit dancing backward in high heels. (Ellen Perlman, Washington; Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

The Davis-Davis-Diaz-Balart-Meek- Brown-Waite act to clarify the confusion in the currently accepted method of identification of bill authors which does not acknowledge hyphenated surnames. The bill will mandate a parenthetical explanation after every use of the dash or hyphen when identifying the authors of all bills, as in the example of the extant bill, the Davis (dash) Davis (dash) Diaz (hyphen) Balart (dash) Meek (dash) Brown (hyphen) Waite Bill.

(Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Alexander-Graham-Sanchez bill saluting the founder of Taco Bell.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Alexander-Chocola-Bell resolution recognizing the real inventor of the Hershey's Kiss. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Bordallo-Chambliss bill prohibiting prostitutes to fake orgasms.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge;

Don Richardson, Haymarket, Va.)

Rogers-Bordallo bill to develop Mister Rogers' Neighborhood into a red-light district. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Franks-Hensarling-King bill authorizing Perdue chickens to surf the Web.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The Meek-Talent act, honoring those who achieve honorable mentions in the Style Invitational.

(David Salzman, Chevy Chase)